DANVILLE — I’m no economist — never have been, never will be.

I’m sure I had to take at least one econ course in college, but I don’t remember much about it. When I watched a new series of TV commercials that featured cameos by economic experts, the only name I recognized was Adam Smith. And I was remembering the original, not this guy.

I have no personal economic strategy, no financial plan — except to be cheap. I’ve begun to realize the error of my ways, especially as people around my age start to retire.

I feel so bummed out about this that when I even hear the words IRA or 401K on TV, I either change the channel or mute the sound.

It’s the same thing I do when the conversation turns to medical conditions.

And, much as I hope I won’t get any of the ailments I fear, I hope I can work right up to my last breath.

But even I, money-managing fool that I am, had to laugh at the first news of the economic stimulus package.

The federal government was going to give taxpayers hundreds of dollars each, right? No one knew the exact amount, just the maximum possible for different income brackets and tax filing categories, right?

The purpose of this program was to encourage the general populace to go out and spend that money. This spending frenzy would stimulate the economy, the same economy that’s been dropping like a rock. Right?

The only response I could come up with to this news was “Wrong!”

Was I to understand that I should take the “up to $600,” based on my filing status and income, that I would receive and GO BUY SOMETHING??

Me and who else? Did some smarty pants in Washington really think the American people were that foolish? In this time of constantly rising prices and insubstantial pay raises that don’t keep up with inflation, wouldn’t everyone pay a bill or three with the check?

Someone has finally gotten word to the president that we’re in a recession, although he still calls it a “slow down.” He started using that term soon after he learned how much a gallon of gas sells for these days. That was a big surprise to him a few months back, if you recall.

He advised us recently to use the checks to pay for that price increase, and also to pay for the rising cost of our groceries with it.

For how long does he think that will work? My “up to $600” won’t go very far for this party of one in the year ahead.

Maybe his advice is an attempt to keep down the number of us applying for government assistance. Will the next step be rationing?

Oh, wait — we’re already at that step. Certain chain stores are limiting the amount of rice customers can buy. Rice? Since when do we eat quantities of rice in this country?

Next thing you know, we’ll be treated like needy people in foreign countries. Trucks will cart in food or airplanes will drop it down on us.

On second thought, probably not. Not with the price of gas and food so high.

Maybe the smartest thing to do with my “up to $600” is to just buy a plasma TV and be done with it. At least I can stay entertained past the date when my current, old-fashioned TV won’t work, thanks to some other government geniuses.

Goodness knows, I won’t be able to afford a trip, even to the grocery store, let alone be able to buy the food that’s there, by then.

Reach Barbara Greenberg@bgreenberg@dancomnews.com.