A recent radio report noted that there are twice as many TV channels today as there were just 10 years ago. If this trend continues, I may move to Iceland.

My TV watching is limited to The Antiques Roadshow, an occasional History Channel show, The Office and 30 Rock. Reality shows bore me to tears. I don’t care who does the coolest tattoos, who cooks the best barbeque or who gets thrown off the island.

This is a great time to be in the TV biz. You no longer have to hire script writers, actors, set designers or costumers. Just gather a bunch of shameless idiots, point a camera at them, and start counting your money.

It really hit home the other day. It was 4:30 in the morning, and I was flipping through the stations, looking for something, anything, to make me want to go back to bed.

The selections were so mind-numbing that I couldn’t stop watching, and started taking notes. This is what I saw:

-- A never-ending ad for a “Slice.” An overly-jazzed woman called it “the most innovative device I’ve seen in my years of crafting! It cuts, it embosses, it draws!” I didn’t catch the price, but I have a feeling that it would take 50 years to pay for it with savings from all those homemade birthday cards. An 800-number was set up to order

--- The Franklin Mint, “one of the most trusted names in collectibles for almost 50 years,” was peddling the “sensational opportunity” to invest in “presidential dollars” for a mere $9.95 each. Each coin was “richly layered in incredible 24-carat gold,” which means it is gold plated. That explains the fact that it came “encased in its own acrylic crystal-clear capsule.” Please.

--- Another infomercial hawked the latest bit of winter apparel, the “Necky.” It’s a piece of fabric with a strip of Velcro up the back. It folds into its very own storage pouch, and, best of all, it comes in “designer leopard” print. The price is $9.95 … but wait, for a limited time only, you can get two Neckys and two keychains for $9.95, plus shipping and handling.

--- A public broadcasting station aired the “GED Connection” for adults earning high-school equivalency certificates. “Have you ever gazed into the night sky and thought about the stars and planets?” asked the host. “Then you’ve already started the study of space and science!”

--- ESPN offered a momentary respite: tie-down calf roping competition. One of the sinewy young rodeo ropers had the ultimate cowboy name and cowboy hometown: Clint Robinson of Spanish Fork, Utah.

--- At 4:30 a.m., I learned, the airwaves are loaded with ads tied to weight reduction. One of them was an online diet program for $5.95 a week. The big selling point was the chat room, or “friends helping friends.” Said one satisfied customer: “It was so good to have so many people respond.” Another, named Barbara, added, “You want your husband to be proud of you.”

--- As luck would have it, the very next channel offered the “Contour Abs Belt.” Wearing the battery-operated contraption is like doing six different core exercises at the same time “with the push of a single button.” “After three days, I saw results,” one belt-wearer said.

--- While still thinking about extra poundage, I was next exposed to a heartbreaking ad for Children’s International, and videos of starving African children, a Third World orphan searching for his mother, and a child lugging a heavy water container.

--- A “rebroadcast” of “Larry King Live” featured the surviving Jackson brothers, talking about their plans for a 40th anniversary album. Times are really lean without Michael.

--- A promotion for yet another “classic country album” featured Eddie Arnold singing “Make the World Go Away,” Glen Campbell doing “Wichita Lineman,” and Johnny Cash crooning “Daddy Sang Bass.” Then Mickey Gilley plugged a 158-song collection, titled “The Golden Age of Country,” packaged in a “deluxe collector’s box,” and costing only “four payments of $29.99 each.”

--- Rosetta Stone language tapes … why did I spend two long years in Latin class when all I needed was a couple of CDs? The guy on the ad seemed to hint that absolutely anybody could master a complex foreign language without much effort.

--- Silver necklaces — 24 inches long, $30 each — were the day’s special on the QVC Shopping Network. An added bonus: the “Aesop’s Fable Necklace” with a turtle and hare charm pendant. Who could resist?

--- The next press of the “channel” button put me in the middle of a California-based reality show featuring spoiled-brat teenagers in $100,000 cars and hideous, $5 million oceanfront McMansions. Their mothers were blonde and trying desperately to look “too young” to have a teenager. One prom queen announced, “Hollywood is just a totally different place than the rest of the world.” I was especially touched by the tanned young couple on the beach. “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my whole life … I love you,” the girl said. Her vapid boyfriend replied, “I love you more.”

-- The beat went on and on … an Iowa State University wrestling match … more state quarters … a congressman discussing climate change … potions promising menopause relief … the re-release of an 84-year-old book titled “The Law of Success” … ads for electronic scooters … a black lady singing gospel music … a man talking to a dog … an ad for Revlon’s “Age Defying Spa Foundation” … two women hawking crystal bubble oval ornaments …

It made me long for the 1960s, when our TV had rabbit ears and all we could get was Channel 3.

Danville native Kevin Cullen is a former Commercial-News reporter. Reach him at irishhiker@aol.com.